Wake me up before you go go

2003-02-14T16:07:00.000-08:00

testing

2003-02-10T16:54:00.000-08:00

Word of the day: Scuttlebutt-n-gossip, rumors
wowoowowwowowowzerssssss it has been how long? long!!!!!!!!! yo!. Anyways i wonde if anyone is actually goingt to read this since it has ben many many months since my last entry and everyone believes that i have given up! well hah! i havn't! So whats up Gabe! nothing much. Let me just say that man has there been drama the past months! But to me it's more like i don't care what people say about me or to me. I know who i am and my friends know who i am. If people want to be all condescending towards m or even behind my back then by all means go for it. If it makes you guys feel good then go for the gold. I must say i am disappointed in one thing though. That is my addiction to drug. I have been doing a lot lately, why? I don't really know. Have you ever just had an epiphany? well in my case it is somewhat similar to that. Let me give you an example. They take m to a higher level of thinking and my body functions in eccentric manner. Not a bad onebut a different one. I am able to visualize of things that i can't when i in sobriety. I am not proud of what i have done, but i didn't do drugs because i am depressed i have music to cope with that. I am able to envision an ordinay object and make it a prodigous, complex, abstract, masterpiece in my head. I often drift off into a nonexistent, fantasized, mellow world where silence is really golden and yet onomatopoeia is music to my ears. Although i say all this, i feel horrible. So i am not saying to do drugs. To my next topic. I really dislike when people, especially friends, hate on you. I mean we are all human, we say things sometimes we do things sometimes. There is a boundry between what is right and what is wong but it is often debatable. Some people ae more extreme than others. Then this whole telephone action permeates through the crowd. Then the whle crowd has this fixated, pejorative, image abouta certain someone. And for what? For being human! Thats it. Not for killing anyone, or directly degrading another person. But for being human and just living life. If i am not mistaken people make mistakes and people also forgive. Personally i don't think i made such an atrocious mistake, or a mistake at all. But what do people see? they tend to just fixate their whole mindstate on that "mistake". They tend to forget my other side. That i cool i have nothing against those who look down upon me you all have every right to. I am just going to listen to my music, go out, and be the same damn person i have been. But if people say that i am fucked up friend, then i appologize if you feel tha way. But remember that whole qoute, "friends don't let girls between them". Plus everybody isnt perfect, we are all just living life together so for those who want to dwell on the past by all means do so. Thank you for your time if anybody actually does read this. If not then i am glad i was able to just vent to myself. The bestfriend you're ever going to actually have, is your-self.....

2002-08-08T02:09:00.000-07:00

just like to say to my buddy kris to hang in there and i am here whenever! cause hey that is what friends are for. Don't even trizzle i got your back. Thank god for dashboard huh?

2002-08-08T02:02:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Pejorative-adj- Negative
Wow it has been a long time since i have wrote in my blog. Sorry. Well today was quite a day for me. You know what hurts? When you really care for a person and just to hear that they are talking to another person just kind of crushes your heart. My head is happy for that person and i wear a smile towards them. But it hurts and it is as simple as that. You can fake it when your out cause your not thinking about it and your just with friends. But as soon as you become lonesome you have nothing to get your mind of it really. All illusions disappear and your left with reality. What is the reality? Pain and sorrow. Then you listen to some jams, watch a movie and wear that smile again. But reality overcomes you and you can't wear the smile anymore cause it doesn't fit. The pain runs through your body searching for your heart and guess what it found it. But your body eventually rids the pain from your system but until then your screwed. This is what i feel right now. Pain. But i am a big boy it is nothing i havn't felt before. I try and cover it up and try and convince my self that "hey it is all right other people have had worse" and to tell the truth some have but right now my emotions over come that thought. I am sorry if i am selfish. There is only one song playing right now and if you guys have the chance to d/l it, it is called screaming infidelities by dashboad confessional. I guess it expresses some what how i feel. feels good to write out what you feel. I honestly feel better. But reality will rain on my parade in mere time and i will be back to square one. But at least i wasn't always on square one and i will move on. Just give me time...

2002-06-28T02:56:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Countenance-n- face; facial expression
Man i havn't wrote in this for a long time! it is because it is summer and damn i am just not here! haha...well i thought ths was interesting the whole ordeal of "expectations". If you're a friend of some sort then you have certain expectations. Like you are expected to be. But what i have came across is don't expect too much from many or even anybody for that matter. If you have expectations for a certain someone and those weren't met you just end up getting hurt and you lose a sense of trust. This doesn't mean don't expect anything from anyone cause lets face it that is just impossible. No matter how hard you try to just "accept" from people you can't conceal the matter at hand, it ellicits its self. A nice quote i once heard once has become rather nebulous but from what i managed to make of it was this, "If you live yor life trying to live up to other peoples expectations you just end up hurting your self. Live up to your own and you will be much happier" It doesn't exactly pertain to the same expectation point of view that i have brought up. But it is one about expectations nonetheless. Don't you think that it is a good quote? I mean seriously why try and make other people happy? you should start with yourself first then work your way up. I have just had a couple of talks and it seemed like people expect a lot. Anyways it is getting late and my bed awaits so ta-ta

2002-06-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Terse-adj-using few words
Man i just had my first day of finals! i did really good and i am happy that i did. My work really paid off and it feels really good! man i am tired well not really i am just lazy right now cause summer is here! i am happy summer is here and the again i am sad. I will kind of miss school in a way! when you think about it school isn't that bad! i think it is neat to learn and to work.

2002-06-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Laud-v-to praise
Man lakers won again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is just cool

2002-06-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Preempt-v-to seize rightfully
DAMN IT!!!!! i just blogged about stuff and thenit go deleted and i am too lazy to do it! shooot

2002-06-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Obdurate-adj-Stubbern
I didn't blog yesterday because it was my mom's birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! We went out to eat and stuff at hometown buffet. DAMN does that place suck!! I guess i am a picky guy but i just don't like buffet food. The food seems like it was made just to get the night over with and to feed everyone really fast. I deno i just don't like the food it taste like it either wasn't cooked long enoug or it has some kind of synthetic taste. I wonder if they just have powder for eac different food and just add water. Cause that is what their food reminds me of. I would also like to say happy birthday to denise!!!!!! man denise i remember when we were really close! i miss those days. Well i hope you had an awesome birthday, love you and i am always here for you buddy. Moving on....another stupid question, Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? ahh hahah i think it is funny. Do you think that the people in the US are selfish? I do. I will admit i am selfish. People in america are so caught up in the media, wealth, and fame. I wouldn't mind be famous, woudn't you? But, don't you think that sucks that in our society we always scream about Pop stars or movie stars....crap gtg i will talk about this later

2002-06-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Tenable-adj-capable of being argued successfully
Well i cut my hair. Yeah it is okie i guess. Define okie? Well i don't LOVE it but it don't HATE it. Lakers won! right on! i don't have much to talk about. So should this be it? hmm i guess for now until something interesting crosses my mind

2002-05-30T23:26:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Furtive-adj-secretive or shy
Well today, tomorrow, well Friday the 31'st is my girlfriend Ivy's birthday. So i would like to say Happy Birthday Hunny! I hope you have a great day and pray that whatever you wish for comes true. It is funny because as you get older birthdays seem to become more banal but when you were young it was like every year you would culminate your feelings for that one day. I remember i would not be able to sleep because i was so excited for the very nex day. You were a year older and right when you would wake up you would check to see if you had grown. Those feelings have become forgoten or maybe tose feelings have changed into a more mature kind of excitement or maybe you just don't care anymore. I feel that it is just another day cause in reality that is all it really is. But as a child you are an Idealist! you are a dreamer! you don't care about much. You can really love life but your not consious on how precious life is, you don't even care about that. You just have fun! and as long as your having hat fun nothing brings you down. You don't categorize yourself or really choose who to hang out wit or not. If you guys play then that is all that matters. I feel children have it really god cause they can imagine, but with that imagination follows inspiration and then more fun. You see kids say that they want to become like that super hero in comic books. So they try and get a costume and play a charlatan. They are charlatans in reality but they see them selves as real hero's and there are no restrictions or illusions holding them back. Unlike when you get older you don't care about that stuff either cause you feel like your too old or you have realized that it could never happen. But can you seriouly be too old? i feel not. Life is all about living and work. But when your not working then live! Use your imagination. It might sound corny but be a kid again! cause you only have chance to really live that ideal life of no worries.

2002-05-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Expedite-v-to speed up
Well i havn't blogged in a while but it is due to the fact that i have been quite busy. I thought it we had a great discussion in english class just a few days ago. It was about idealists vs pragmatists. Which one we were and stuff and i said that i was probably in between. I feel that i am the "dreamer" in a way but i also face the reality of the world. But i think tht some people (well in my class) feel that idealists just sit around and dream when that is not even the case. But i feel that dreams and imagination can make your life more exciting. I am not talking about dreaming about becoming the President when your failing all of high school. You have to be practical in that sense but i feel imaginations are very fasinating. I imagine my self becoming some sort of musician and writing music. I feel people who are very pragmatic actually settle for less because they don't really dream beyond their capabilities they kind of just accept what they have and just do what they need to do. But what is life without a real challenge? Havn't you ever had some prodigious obstacle and when you accomplished it you were like "damn i am good"or have some kind of high on life. But then again being very idealistic also has its faults. Too belief that there will be peace all over he world, i mean it just can't happen. People are different and some things will just never change, and some people just need to accept it. Sometimes the truth just hurts even if you don't want to believe it but then again with hurt comes happiness. well i will probably blog later on, so later on..

2002-05-22T00:03:00.000-07:00

Word of the day Peruse-v-to read carefully
First i woul like to say say Rest In Peace Mr.Espino because he died today. The ambulance rushed to our school during lunch time because he had some kind of stroke or heartattack and a few hours later he had passed away. I feel horrible even though we weren't really friends who knew each other but i had had him as a sub before. He was a relly funny guy and it is so sad knowing you knew that person and that person just died. I have been kind of traumatized throughout the day but didn't let it totaly get to me because it was Kris' Brithday! so happy birthday kris! But when i got home it kind of hit me. Just the thought of your life ending i mean i wouldn't be able to do so many things. Also i don't know if there is even an aftelife. I can't handle the thought of dying. Whenever i come across it it feels like a mistaken vacum has cleaned the inside of my body and i have nothing in me to keep me going and functioning. I hate that feeling but what was pretty intense was when i walked into the bathroom i inhaled some sort of fragrance. The aroma of the sweet smell filled my inside with some solid material and i didn't feel empty any more. It is funny how the littlest things can make you suddenly feel better. but enough about death and the thoughts of the afterlife.......
Tomorrow my girlfriend Ivy is taking her physics final. I really hope she studied because i know whatever she puts her mind to she can acheive it. I really hope she does good! Go hunny! Ivy is a very smart person, i would say one of the smartest i know. But like most people she is lazy! so am i! hopefully she has prepared herself enough to give her a satisfying grade. If you read this ivy, i really feel you can do anything your so talented! good luck on your exam! love you. I hope the moral support that i gave her will encourage her just a tad bitmore to do better! cause i really wish the best for her! and all my friends. Also i would like to say that Kris man you have been a dope ass friend to me i remember all of our ups and downs! Hope you enjoyed your day today. I am here for you whenever you need. Well i am done

2002-05-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Grandiloquent-adj-uses fancy words to sound impressive
Man it just seems that there is a lot of drama everywhere. But hey that is what the world is filled with when you look at it, Drama, pain, agony, death. The world is also filled with happiness, love, friends, laughter. So it evens out i guess. It is up to people weather they overcome their obstacles or let their obstacles overcome them. The great feeling i knowing that someone else knows what your going through. The great feeling is when your obstacle i under you and you have truly overcome it. The great feeling is when your sad and one friend knocks on the door and simply says hey i am here for you. Or when they just go out of their way just to write you a letter saying i love you. But what happends when you don't have that luxury? I remember only having myself to comfort me. I feel that is why i don't like to tell people my problems cause i am used to keeping them to my self and eithe figuring it out or living with it. But life is great! why?? cause i am in good shape! Cause i have no mental problems! cause i can simply breathe! cause i am able to listen to music! cause i can watch movies! cause i can take a walk outside! cause i can look at the clouds pass me by! cause i have an imagination! I am pretty lucky to just be living without many health issues. I can smell, see, touch, eat i have it good right? well better than those who don't have that, right? i feel pretty lucky to be alive!! yess i am happy to be alive! cause i can live! now i just need to practical......but i am! =)

2002-05-19T23:13:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Plethora-N-an abundance
Well my weekend was pretty fun but i doubt any of you care what i did. Today i saw Star wars and let me just tell you that Yoda is the shit! Haha. Well to the matter at hand. I would just like to say that i am here for Kris and Abby. I really love you guys soooo much and here for both of you. A certain situation has reminded me of my past. I know the feeling and it really hurts. You can't be mad at a person if they have a change of heart. But the way they tell it to you can really hurt you depending on how they tell you. With lies it just hurt the person more in the end. I know it hurt me. I remember one night during that period of hurt that i experienced where i totaly just thought about it. It was like a person that you really care about and loved didn't like you at all. This was my case i feel. But i sat there staring, like a manequin staring at the people passing him by meerly looking at him and not caring for him because he is not alive to them. Well i was that manequin and the people were the rest of the world. But it was my decision to live my life for my self and not for other expenses. But it did hurt i guess i was just a big Malaise (ooh vocab word). All i can say is that it takes time for that hurt to pass. But until then you have friends that will help you through that time and if not friends then yourself. Music also helps, it may seem like a bunch of words and instruments that mix together and is labeled as "music". But that music was my scapegoat from that world that didn't care for me. The reality is that the world really doesn't care for you. But you shouldn't look at it that way. Your family cares for you and you care for you. Some friends do and somes friends just don't. Yet life goes on we live and then we die. So lets just make the most out of it and live. Well i am getting tired to it is going toend here so see yah

2002-05-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Scintillate-adj-sparkling
Today i saw glendale perform..i would want to write more but man i got a grip of homework and i am sleepy so i am going to end it here...haha damn that is lame! sorry! next time for sure...

2002-05-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Malaise-N-a feeling of depression
Well today was a good day! i had confirmation and i saw all my friends and stuff. I also enjoyed listening to Tanya, Gail, Monica, and Geron speak. It was really nice. Well i talked to ivy about some issues. It is just funny how people can be so immature about things. I mean i feel that if you don't really have something nice to say about a person then just keep it to your self and don't say it out loud. Do other people need to know? But people will go through those phases and hopefully they will realize that it really doesn't get them anywhere in life. I would blog more but i am very tired so i am off to bed. Tune in next time as gabe writes one again....

2002-05-14T21:51:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Pernicious-adj-evil or deadly
Today was another one of thos days. Haha doing the same thing, but it is cool. I talked to some friends that i havn't talked to in a while. I talked to my friend Soleil and i would just like to say that i am sorry. Her boyfriend recently died in a car accident. Rest In Peace Allan. I am so scared to die, you don't understand. I mean i am sure there is no discord there! But just thinking about it argh...Not being able just to see, smell, hear, touch. Those seem like little things to someone who is alive. But one who is dead, i am sure it is like you would give anything just for it. People take life for granted but then again if you spend so much time thinking about it and not taking "risks" then your not really living life. Sounds like a paradox but oh well. I have stanford 9 testing tomorrow so that sucks. But it is kind of cool. I like the whole testing your knowledge kind of thing, so pray that i do good! Isn't it so funny how when you greet people that they reply with the cliche "How are you?" or "How you doing?" but it is not like they want to have a conversation with about it. They don't really care. It was funny cause me and Jorge would walk around and say hello to people and see if they would say that cliche. Then if they did, we would see if they would stop and wait for a reply. None of them did. Well i think that is enough for now

2002-05-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

You know what is such an awesome thing? I walk in my room and see the stack of laundry my mom has folded and has placed on my chair. When i saw that, i was like "Man i have soooooooo missed my mom". But not in the way when my mom was gone no one would stack the laundry. But i have just missed my mom! I LOVE MY MOM! =)...that is my smile for my mom! Hehe, it feels good. My mom rocks.....

2002-05-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

Man guess who just IM'ed me?!!? CAMMIE!!!!! i was like CAMMIE!!! hahahah...man i have missed her...ever since everyone transferred to other magnet schools. So i thought it was really cool to hear from her. She was asking me if i met JC because she knows i have this thing for JC. But i just though i was cool that she conversed with me!

2002-05-13T19:28:00.000-07:00

Today Ivy and Rosa stopped by my house. It was great to see them! I guess it was the highlight of my day. I feel my days are banal but it is only because i usualy do the same thing, so i am used to it. But i do love life with all my heart like you don't understand. I mean you put here to live so you might as well do it in a way that pleases you. But to get that you need to work for it (most of the time). That is why i feel sorry for the people who slack of and just do what is "fun" for them instead of working. They might think it is fun to do what they do now, but in the long run instead of having an easier 40-50 years of life, they are working for what they messed up on. I see school not as a prison or something that is horrible. I kind of like school, i mean without school i would be sitting home doing this blog thing forever. So it gives me something to do. Well that is enough for now, i need to start on my awesome homework. This one is a thinker, Do you see black or nothing at all when you close your eyes?

2002-05-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Harbinger-n-sign or omen;a signal of
Well i would like to announce that my mom is finally back from the hospital! So that is great. It was really cool that she made me a nice box, i found it in my room. I wanted to share one of my mom's poems with world.
Things to Die For:

Go to the market.
Get a few things:
Peaches, pomegranates,
A bunch of tulips,
A loaf of bread,
A few baked good
And a basket of strawberries.

Go to the Laundromat next.
Watch the clothes spin,
Spin and spin some more.
Think of lost memories.
A lonesome navy blue sock,
An unwanted pair of jeans.
When was it that I learned to fear?

Go to the mechanics next.
The van needs new brakes and rotors.
A rip off.
They charge me $300.
I’m not good at doing business.
I want more.
I want more of what I do not know how to name.

Go to the post office next.
Mail letters and pay the bills.
Some are late and some are on time.
Mrs. Oasay calls to ask about Willie.
He has been ill.
I, I’ve been sleeping too much.
Dr. Weimer calls it Major Depression.

I call it; I’m slanted, like his tie.
Anyway, water the plants next.
Especially the mini daffodils.
I put a call through to Kate.
And wait.
If she calls me
I won’t kill myself tonight

my mom wrote this poem, she has in incredible mind. Sometimes i wonder if she means what she writes. it is probably some metaphor for a bigger picture that is obscure to me. Or maybe it is there but i am too blinded by my ignorance. Hopefully things will change.

2002-05-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

damn i had to do that blog like fifty times cause of all these dumb things and stuff....argh

2002-05-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Vapid-adj-Without liveliness; Dull
Well today is Mother's Day....so first and foremost i would like to say HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!...i hope everyone had a great one...as for me it was okie i guess...i saw my mother today..she was in the hospital for 2 weeks because she has Bi-polar disease, by the way her name is Aliete. I wouldn't call my self the worst son, but i feel like i am a bad son. I don't do what i know can make things better or make people feel better for that matter. My mom is the best person in the world to me, she is the person who created me, she is the person who loves me more than life itself, she is the person who raised me to be the person i am today, she is the person who i love the most. But i can't even smile back and say i love you. Why can't I? i am not so sure, but i can tell you that whenever i look at her and think of her my feelings from the past come back to torture me. I feel that is blocking me from what i should do. You might not understand, but if you knew what i went through in the past then maybe it would be more lucid. Anyway today my family went to eat out for lunch. What sucks is the for the duration of eating it was pretty much silent. What also sucks is that the only thing that can make your family interact is your littlest brother, in my case Christian. There was a point during eating where i took a glimpse at my mother. Her face looked as if she were lost in another life with a synthetic family. It scared me so i resumed eating and looked back down at my plate. After eating we went to City walk where all we did was walk. It hurts me so, that when i was small i would die to go out with my family. Me and my family would have soo much fun i wouldn't stop laughing and having a great time. But "the only thing constant in life is change" and what changed was my family. Now i try and avoid the vapidness that results when we go out. I guess that is how things are and must be so i live my life. Well my head hurts now so i am going to give it a rest. Word of advice, please give your mom a hug and say i love you because it is really the best gift they can have for today. I live with yet another heavy burden because i failed to do so. But yeah thats about it, so peace

2002-05-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

Well i now have a blog thingie...hahah umm i know ost people won't even read it and what not...but relly don't care because this just my journal..something that enables me to express my self...sooo here i go...oh and every day...well i wil try every day to put up a new word...okie?...cool...well thats it..peace

2002-05-12T18:46:00.000-07:00

this is just a test

2002-05-12T18:45:00.000-07:00

this is jus a test